Coming to terms with ADHD*

Well, it’s finally happened. After years of being that “flighty” friend because of a short attention span and getting myself into all kinds of messes due to lack of impulse control, I have finally started the path of being better.

I’ve always known that I was “different.” I knew that normal people didn’t experience some of the things I was experiencing. I have always struggled with staying focused on any kind of task, especially one that I deemed boring. I also always struggled with completing anything. There are so many things that I have started in my life that I never saw through. I always thought I had ADHD, but I never did anything about it. I put an asterisk on ADHD for a reason. Read on.

If you actually go back through my blog posts, you can see where I picked up new things like music, Krav Maga, school, and nothing ever came of it. Why? I would be into whatever I started 100%, but I would lose interest and move onto the next shiny object. Now I have Krav Maga skills that are going to waste, a piano that collects dust, and music sheets that just sit on my shelf. I love to blog and you can see the gaps between posts that I lose focus with this as well.

As if that was not bad enough, the lack of impulse control tops it. This has been the hugest pain point in my personal and professional life. I just don’t know how to stop myself sometimes. A lot of the time. I get this high and lose all control. I just say and do anything. There have been so many times in my life where I just do something like destroying furniture because I thought about it. The problem is that once the idea has planted in my head, it drives me. It winds me up and controls me. If I try to ignore it, it becomes even worse. It consumes me. I’ve actually felt my body almost spaz from trying to hold it in like it’s about to explode.

Just recently, I was having a really terrible experience at work, and due to the anxiety that it caused me, I impulsively spent over a grand to get a certificate to teach English abroad. I even told my leaders that I was no longer interested in leadership (I had been passed over for leadership which is what really pushed me down the rabbit hole and why I am here) and that I was planning to move to Europe. I just said and did all of that out of impulse.

In my heart of hearts, I think I knew that I wasn’t going anywhere. I was just running on emotion and impulse.

At work, I was put on a verbal action plan because how I say things. Honestly, I had never experienced stuff like that at work because the people I worked with adapted to me. That ended up making me more successful in the end. Now the game is different and I have to conform to other people.

That catapulted my decision to start looking into behavioral health. Whatever this is, it was affecting my job (although that could be debatable). My primary care physician referred me to the behavioral health department. I had to take a self-assessment with a therapist.

My results were interesting, to say the least. I tested very high for ADHD and Anxiety. I also tested for Depression.

Based on everything I experienced in the past 1.5 years, it all made sense. I always knew I had ADHD (although I was surprised to find out that I have the combined ADHD where all three aspects, short attention span, hyperactivity, and impulse control, are high), but the Anxiety and Depression were a surprise at first…until I thought about it. I am a very anxious person and have always been.

Talking with my therapist, I came to the realization that although I’ve always had those mental illnesses, it wasn’t until recently that they were exacerbated to the point where it was beginning to affect my life. Hearing that I have Depression immediately made me think of ways to beat that. I think I let so much bullshit seep into my life that I caused that to happen. No. Fucking. More! That’s changing right quick!

Moving along, so my next step was to see a Physician’s Assistant or Psychiatrist for medication. I finally had my visit yesterday, July 27, 2016. After an hour of talking about myself and my medical/mental history, the PA did something apparently unique.

I guess when someone shows signs of multiple mental illnesses, they always want to treat the Depression first. My PA determined that my Depression and Anxiety were actually due to the ADHD, so she prescribed me Adderall to start setting that right. That actually made me really happy! I do not want to take medicine for all of those things. I don’t think I need it. I want to tackle the Depression through exercise and living a more enjoyable life. I also want to let the stupid bullshit go. I think being able to focus on my work and life without being all over the map will definitely do that. That will also take care of the Anxiety. I fucking hate being anxious. I had this dreadful “leader” who used to cause me anxiety attacks at work. I only had one since we left her dark reign of control!

It’s only been two days, and I am on the lowest dosage of Adderall, but I have already felt a huge improvement! I was able to stay focused yesterday and today! I even managed to write this blog post with only one or two distractions! I think finding techniques to control my impulses coupled with Adderall is going to allow me to finally and really focus on me.

I am interested to see what I actually like to do and if I can follow through on those things.

I know some people think ADHD is a joke, or it isn’t real. Whatever I am experiencing, it is real. It is very real to me. I am glad that I finally started the road to recovery!

Are you struggling with mental illness? You are not alone! You are never alone! I am a friend and I am here for you, to talk or just to listen!

 

 

Testicular Tornado!

Balls. That’s what this blog post is about. If you are sensitive to talking about the human body or sexuality: A) Grow up and B) Close this window.

Are you sure? You’ve been warned.

Last July I wrote a blog post about how I had discovered some swelling in my testicles. To sum it up, I was masturbating one night and I noticed that my testicles did not look like other guys’ testicles. My scrotum looked more round and you couldn’t make out the testicles. I panicked (naturally) and made an appointment with my primary care physician.

I met with my physician and some med student who examined my testicles. Luckily for that med student, I am an instructor so by profession so I made him get involved in his learning. My doctor verified that I did indeed have swelling around both my testicles. She had a couple of theories regarding the swelling, but wanted me to get an ultrasound to be sure.

Fun fact about getting an ultrasound on your scrotum: Straight, gay, bi, or anywhere in between, you will get an awkward erection when the ultrasound is being rolled around your sack. It feels incredibly good and they know that. It made sense why the ultrasound tech had me put a towel over my penis in the beginning!

The results from the ultrasound showed that I not only have hydrocele (fluid build up in my testicles) but I also have something called varicocele.

From Urologyhealth.org: A varicocele is when veins become enlarged inside your scrotum (the pouch of skin that holds your testicles). These veins are called the pampiniform plexus. Ten to 15 of every 100 men have a varicocele. It is like getting a varicose vein in your leg.

This is exactly what I am experiencing:

V-1

I spoke to my doctor about some options for the hydrocele. She referred me to a urologist to dig deeper into this and see what options were available to me to get this worked out. She said I could get the hydrocele drained, or that I could have a surgery done to fix it. The only thing that had helped with the swelling at the time was ejaculation. Yes, masturbation was the short-term remedy and my doctor said that if ejaculation is helping, then maybe my semen wasn’t flowing correctly.

Guys, think about how your balls feel when you haven’t got off in a few days. Now imagine that with a shit ton of mixed up veins that get really backed the fuck up. That’s my world.


Fast forward to today:

I met with the urologist today, on 2/10/2016. Once he examined my testicles, he said that my hydrocele was so small that I did not have to worry about those at all. He said that I definitely have moderate varicocele. The medical community is not sure exactly what causes varicocele so he opted against any kind of procedure. Instead, he had me give a urine sample so they could see what else could be causing this.

Here’s where I am concerned. He asked me if I ever wanted to have children. Varicocele can cause infertility in men. Considering I’v had this for quite sometime, there could be a chance that I will become infertile or that I am already shooting blanks. When he dropped that “infertility” bomb, that was a reality check. I reached out to my physician and asked if I should have a sperm count done.

I have passively thought about having children before. Now I have to come to grips that I may never have biological children. I can always still be a dad though. Blood doesn’t make family.

In the meantime, I just have to deal with it until another option can be found.

Do any of you someone or have any of you ever dealt with varicocele? If so, what insight can you offer? Suggestions or tips?

 

Adult ADHD

I’ve always struggled with a short attention span and impulse control my entire life. I always just “do” and never think things through. I especially never think about long term affects since I am more about the short term. Just from what I have read online and with some conversations with my doctor, everything points to adult ADHD.

That is my biggest pain point personally and professionally so this will be my main focus going forward. Personally, I find myself get all caught up and excited in new ideas/projects based off of whims. For example, after watching a few episodes of Glee, I start taking vocal training classes. After watching a martial arts flick, I signed up for Krav Maga. I learned quite a few things about both categories, and I really do find them interesting, but I didn’t have the attention span to finish or stick to either. I am getting so tired of starting new things and then abandoning them. Not to mention, there is a financial component to this. These impulses cost me money. Money that I could be saving! Or, if I am going to spend the money on these things, then I could at least get a return on my investment and follow through with what I paying for.

Professionally, I am a walking disaster of rash decisions. Time and time again I have been in the position to make a call and because the idea of all the details bog me down, I don’t think about all that. I just go with my gut instinct and think in the moment. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. When it doesn’t, there is usually some clean up or backtracking involved.

Overall, this has been more self destructive than anything. It’s wreaked havoc in my life too many times to count. People think that because of the way I am, that I am fun and exciting. However, I also think this is a large part as to why those people do not take me seriously as a leader. The more I think about it, I am not sure that I even blame them.

It’s not to say that being whimsical hasn’t had its advantages. I am very reactive which can get things done a lot quicker than those who plan thoroughly.  I am the guy you go to for immediate action. However, overall I need to simmer down and think about things more.

I’ve come up with a few ideas to help, one which includes counting to 10 as many times as when I feel I am about to react or do something. I could use some suggestions on how to maintain a longer attention span. That’s really hard. Everything gets so boring once the novelty has worn off.

I definitely do not want to take medication for it (if I don’t have to) since I would like to tackle this head on I need to. It was fun before, but now I am really feeling it and it is upsetting me. I feel like it is driving me mad because I can’t control it sometimes. I’ve wasted so much time and opportunity to propel myself forward in life. I could seriously rule the world if I focused on something. I love languages, science, writing, music, etc. There is so much potential to be great and I am wasting my energy starting and stopping projects. Well no more! Not in 2016!

Operation Focus starts tomorrow January 4th 2016! I may have to count to 10 a trillion times a day, but if that is what I have to do to get started and look crazy, then so be it!

 

Fitness Update Pics

I love Winter.  Most people find it dreadful or depressing, but I think it’s the best time of year. Why you ask?

For me, there is nothing exciting to do in Winter. That’s a good thing. I hate being cold so I stay indoors and don’t go out much. Instead, I use this “cold” time of year (it’s been a warm summer) and focus on my body and fitness. In the Winter, there aren’t any distractions from the gym like there are in Spring or Summer.

I regularly go to the gym and eat clean. However, the past month or so I’ve been some changes to my workout schedule that have really worked out well for me.

Instead of morning workouts, I now go in the evening after work. I love morning workouts, but they can sometimes mess up my sleep and leave me tired. It also limits my time at the gym (unless I got up incredibly early like 4:00 am).

Going to the gym at night is great for my sleep! I get home around 8:30, shower, have dinner, and wind down for about 2-2.5 hours before going to bed. I can do things like read a book/comic, watch TV shows on Hulu, masturbate, or a blend of all three. It’s usually the latter, ha! I get to bed around 11:00 or 11:30 and sleep until about 6:30 – 7:00.

Speaking of masturbating, moving my workouts to the evening and getting more sleep has really allowed me to have more of that wholesome “me time” before bed. I think the evening lift and energy wakes up everything. It also relieves the stress of the day. Before, I used to be too tired to jerk off before bed.

Focusing on certain muscle groups each workout and doing compound exercises have been a huge help too. This lets me annihilate a targeted muscle group while also using supporting muscle groups every day. I love squats, bench presses, and deadlifts. I do all three of those weekly. My strength is growing from those exercises and I’m mailing multiple muscle groups at once. I also follow them up (sometimes before) with isolated muscle exercises as a compliment. This has been working out great.

The goal after every workout is to be sore the following day or two. To do this, I alter my workouts. Sometimes start low weight/high rep and end high weight/low rep. Other times I drop set down from a high weight/low rep to low weight/high rep. Doing this leaves me in chronic soreness.

I top it off by using Optimum Nutrition: Serious Mass. I cannot gain weight easily. My metabolism incinerates everything I eat. Putting on weight is a huge challenge so that is why I started the Serious Mass. I currently weigh about 180 lbs. This is the most I’ve ever weighed! On average, I weight around 165-170 lbs. I’ve definitely put on a little size.

I’m nowhere near where I’d like to be physically, but I am getting there. I have more muscle to gain and more belly fat to burn. If I stay focused and continue working hard, I’ll smash my goals and start reaching for even higher goals!

This is how I look as of 12-23-2015


  
  

TestoFuel 60 Days

My video on using TestoFuel for 60 days.

TestoFuel 30 Days

This is my 30 day update using TestoFuel video and pics.

One thing I didn’t mention in my video is that I have something called hydrocele in my testicles. It’s fluid build up that causes swelling in my sack. I can’t say for certain if it was the increase in testosterone, so this is only a theory, but only since I started taking TestoFuel has the swelling started to go down.
  
  

TestoFuel

I recently discovered an all natural testosterone booster called TestoFuel. There was a lot of awesome feedback from several sites and Youtube fitness vloggers. I ordered it a few days ago and just received the package today. What is TestoFuel?

From the website:

TestoFuel is a revolutionary, exhaustively researched muscle building supplement with one very focused aim…to smash down the barriers to growth by opening your testosterone floodgates.

It’s designed to naturally increase your testosterone level, which is the ‘missing link’ essential for building muscle, by providing your body with the nutrients it needs to naturally produce more testosterone.

But it gets better, because accelerated muscle growth isn’t the only thing you’ll benefit from with Testofuel.

I whipped up this quick video stating that I am going to test this. I figure why the fuck not? I have a 90 day guarantee (that hopefully won’t be a nightmare). I am also adding some current pics of my body as of today, July 20, 2015. I will update every 30 days.

Ideally I would like to start losing some of that stubborn belly fat and build more muscle.


  

  

Masturbation and Men’s Health

Some people judge masturbation and talk about how bad it is. Right now, I am even more grateful to it than I was before! It totally just saved my ass..well..my balls really.

A couple of weeks ago, I was feeling a little horny so I decided to watch some porn and masturbate. While I was watching, I noticed the balls of one of the guys. They didn’t look like mine. His scrotum wasn’t as round as mine. It was just flesh and two balls.

That made me nervous. I felt around my testicles and it felt and looked differently than that guys. I could feel a lot more “stuff” around my testicles. I also noticed that when I felt around, I could feel a mass or something. I think it was the tubes that went to my testicles. I could make them out through my scrotum flesh. I finished jerking off and came. I noticed that after ejaculation that the swelling went down some, but then it would come back again later.

I immediately made a doctor’s appointment to have that checked out. When I went to the doctor, she (and her medical student shadowing her) both looked at my testicles. She agreed that there was definitely some swelling. She wanted to make sure there wasn’t a mass she couldn’t see so she referred me to get an ultrasound. That ultrasound is today. I am really nervous about it! My doctor thinks it is probably Epididymitis. I think it is too. It would certainly explain a lot. I am scared that it could be something worse though. I’m trying to stay calm and not think the worst. I just want to express that this is a bit scary.

Either way, this was a good reminder to always check my body for any issues. I am really grateful that video gave me some visibility to an issue that I didn’t even know I had.

**Update 10/11/2015**

I received my ultrasound results and it turns out that I have something called hydrocele in my testicles. There is fluid build up around each testicle. It has gone away since that ultrasound so my sac is going back to normal size. It’s better to be safe than sorry though!

Happy Maysturbation Month! (18+)

Before I get started, I just want to give anyone uncomfortable with masturbation a few moments to exit this blog post. This blog is very deep, sexual, and personal. Again, turn away if you cannot handle this. You have been warned.

Happy National Masturbation Month!! How exciting! Oh you didn’t know? May is National Masturbation Month. Here is a brief history on this special month.

You are probably wondering “Why is guy Valdet writing about masturbation? Everyone does it. What makes him special? Is this for real?” I am writing about it because everyone is so fucking weird about it! No one ever talks about it! This month is meant to bring to light the natural act of masturbating. When did fulfilling a human basic need become such a disgusting taboo in society? Well, we all know religion is the main culprit here. This blog is not about that though, since I am all about the celebration of this awesome month! I have always been a strong advocate for masturbating and sex not being so taboo. So here we go!

I masturbate. Almost daily. Sometimes twice a day. Sometimes I just stroke it when I am watching a movie or Googling something. Why the fuck the wouldn’t I? It’s my damn cock! The warmth of my hand cupped around my hard cock as I jerk it is an amazing feeling.  While I do not believe in God or intelligent design, cocks are definitely an intelligent creation. My cock is readily accessible fun. It is right there whenever I want.

Before we get into the pleasures of my penis, let’s go back. Let’s delve into my discovery of masturbation. It is so taboo to talk about that I haven’t really shared this story with many people. I was probably about 13 or 14 when I first discovered masturbating. It was not a special story. I was at that age where my body was starting to change from a boy to a man. I was in my bed, I rolled over to get comfortable when my cock pressed against the mattress. If felt really good. I could feel my cock starting swell. Naturally I pulled it out to look at it. It was so awesome to see this adult cock in my hand. I was excited that it was a big cock too lol! I wanted to continue this awesome feeling and rubbing definitely worked. The first time I shot a load was sweet! I was a fucking dude! It was a little messy, but that is to be expected. You can’t just hand someone a unicorn and expect them to know what to do with it! I eventually learned the perks of socks. They made clean up pretty easy. I also discovered how much fun jerking off in the shower was! Rubbing a wet cock was even better than rubbing/jerking a dry one! Needless to say, I would jerk off whenever I could. It definitely happened a few times a day!  I also did it bathroom stalls or the library bathroom. Why not? I had the privacy. Both guests of the party were there. Why not rock and roll? If you can piss and poop in a bathroom, I don’t see why you can’t pump one out. That was my logic in those young teen years anyway. No one ever really told me anything about it growing up. I kind of just figured it out on my own and from what I did hear from other guys.

In my adult years I still appreciate masturbation. Probably even more then back when I was a teenager because I have control. I know my body now. I know what my cock likes and doesn’t like. I know just when I am close to cumming before I slow it down. I really like to savor my masturbation sessions. Sure I incorporate quick “lunch break” jerks because I don’t have the time. Those are enjoyable too. Luckily at this age I can indicate to my body that it needs to hurry up and cum, or slow the fuck down and really embrace this hand hug.

Technique wise, I don’t really do anything too crazy. I’ve tried several things that I have read online before. “The Stranger” just doesn’t seem to work too well for me. I honestly really enjoy just a nice, naked, kicked back, warming lube filled masturbation session. I go at my pace. The warming lube feels amazing when I rub my cock in all the right places. When I get close, I just slow down and rub some lube on my nipple (nipple play is fun). If any of you have an feel good suggestions, please share them!

A really awesome way to masturbate is a fleshlight. I have two. The older I didn’t really care for because of it’s awkward size. I bought the Fleshlight Flight and I could not be happier!

This fleshlight is amazing! If you do not know what this is, and do not have one, you are missing out! It is a great way to spice up your spanking. As guys, we all enjoy our cocks in something tight and warm. Whether it be a mouth, pussy, and ass. Our cocks were meant to be in at least 1 or 2 of those. Maybe 3 if you are super fun. Sometimes we just don’t get that from traditional masturbation. When I am really hard and horny, I bust out my fleshlight, which is named JC after straight porn star Johnny Castle. I slab some warming lube (trust me, it’s worth it) on my cock, and finger JC and fill him up with lube. Then I just sit back and slide my cock into this flesh like material. The special texturized interior feels so amazing. If you angle it just right it can feel like a mouth or other hole riding your cock. I have had some phenomenal self love sessions with this thing. I am a load moaner when I orgasm/cum, and I am sure some of my neighbors can tell when there is a special occasion. Using the tried and true sock method, clean up is a breeze. You can just cum right into the fleshlight and rinse it out. Who doesn’t like easy? And nothing beats cumming into the hole you are in! It also beats lost crispy tissues!

I am also a huge fan of porn for providing “inspiration” to my cock. I have a lot of respect for porn actors (we can discuss the psychological issues another time) , and the men and women who watch porn. Especially women. I love how many fantasies can come to life. If you like something, it’s out there. We all have our vices. Not to stereotype men, but we are known to all jerk off. Women are a little trickier. So when I hear that a woman watches porn, and masturbates, I fucking love it! I wish all women talked about masturbation. I love sexual women. Women who shudder at the idea of sliding their own finger up their own cunt make me sad! What a waste! There is just so much opportunity for a good time there. Same for the few dudes in the world who don’t jerk off. How does that even happen (barring medical situations)? How does one resist the urge to satisfy their aroused sex organs? When I get hard, my first instinct is to just grab it and go to town. There is nothing wrong with that urge! That is why it is called an urge! Fuck religion, fuck God, fuck the Bible. I don’t know why they chose to oppress everyone in regards to sex (among everything else). It is nothing to be ashamed of!

As an adult, I have a much more lax attitude to masturbating. I am definitely more free about it and willing to discuss it more. Why? Well why not? Masturbation is a natural part of our sexuality. I love it! Now I talk with my friends about it as casually as we do our plans for the weekend (which includes jerking off lol). We as humans (and animals too) get sexually aroused. It happens. Sometimes, for us guys, it isn’t even about sexual arousal. It is just a physical thing that we cannot control. Morning wood anyone? Wet dreams?

Here are some interesting tidbits about masturbation (lol at the FAP FAP FAP)

So it quite clear that masturbating is not only natural, but it is very common. You would never know that though because no one ever wants to bring it up. Except now this guy.

There is something else I would like to touch on. Well, besides myself lol. The amount at . which people masturbate. I am speaking from a guy’s point of view mind you. I do not believe at all there is such a thing as too much masturbating. As long as you aren’t rubbing your cock raw that is. If you jerk off 3-4 times a day, who gives a shit. Embrace it. Do it all damn day if you can. I think it just feels too awesome to not.

Here is a little link for everyone: 5 Things You Didn’t Know About Masturbation

Well, I would shake everyone’s hand for taking the time to read my blog, but we all know where our hands have been. =-)

Thank you everyone!

Prostitution may be the oldest profession, but masturbation is the oldest pastime”

My Life (as it is)

As much as I like to post about politics or (anti) religion, this blog post is solely about me and my life. I suppose this could really be a post for my journal rather than my blog. Maybe I just need to share with others this time instead of keeping it to myself. Who knows? Here I go!

Like most Americans who do have a job, I am stuck in a shitty job working for “the man.” When I first started working at the bank, I was making some good money and could easily live off of that and pay my way through school at the same time. Then my department restructured and I lost a third (1/3 for you math heads) of my monthly pay. That was a really hard pillow to swallow and I am still upset over that. Luckily I kept my prior full time job at Applebee’s as part time so I started working every weekend instead of once a month or so. At least I was able to make up for the income lost from the bank. After that and for a long time I just worked two jobs to make ends meet and didn’t ask any questions.

I ended up leaving Applebee’s, then went back to Express for a holiday season (I worked there before Applebee’s), and ended up at Granite City. All the while still working at the bank. At the bank, after my incentive was taken away from me, I moved to a new area. I got a small raise. I continued to tackly double duty at both jobs and just went on with life. When I first started my group there were several of us and we had a variety of loan administration responsibilities. After several months our responsibilities had changed a little more. Nothing that warranted a pay change though. It was when I was chosen to be a Business Analyst that something struck me as odd. I was never once spoken to about a pay increase for that position. A BA definitely makes more money than someone just pulling documents for audits. After a month or so and two projects later, I decided that A) I did not like that position and B) I wasn’t going to do that job for my menial pay I was currently at.

After a talk with my new boss I went back to my old team. I was back to pulling audit documents. Shortly after that, everyone in my team went to different areas and left me alone. I had to do everything. I had to pull everything for every audit by myself. That was not fun! At that time I was working two jobs so I just accepted things as they were. The bank didn’t pay me enough but it was steady and my tip money was a nice bonus.

Several months (in September 2012) after that change my mother, sister, and myself all went to Europe for two weeks. Before I left, I was asked to fill out a job analysis form describing my responsibilities. HR was starting a new initiative regarding our pay rates. Upon return from my trip, I was made aware of the details of the HR initiative. I was also made aware of my position change again. Rather than manually pull documents for audits, my area shifted to what my supervisor does. I became an audit coordinator/process manager. The responsibilities of that position were a lot more than before.

With new players in the mortgage business in Detroit on the rise (Quicken Loans and Shore Mortgage), many employees of my bank were leaving because of the much higher pay. The bank told us that they were going to evaluate everyone’s position to really narrow down our job titles, responsibilities, and raise our pay to the industry standards of that position. We were told that in the first quarter of 2013 we would have those raises.

Friends of mine were quitting the bank we work for and I learned how much the competition was paying. I also started researching what my new position would pay, and it was an extraordinary amount compared to my current wage.

But it wasn’t until my supervisor hired the new members of my team that I finally opened my eyes to how abused I am here. I have been with this company for 4 years and 8 months and I make a certain amount. I discovered later that the new people came in making $2.00 more an hour than me. They were hired into the new job role wage where I was still stuck at the old wage. I was the one that trained this new staff who had no mortgage experience whatsoever. How do you think it made me feel knowing that these people were all making more money than me and I am the one who is training them on everything. Don’t get me wrong, I love my new team. They are awesome people and cool friends to have. None of this is their fault. It is the bank’s fault for allowing me to just work at this lowly wage.

At that time, I was still waiting tables. I had grown to really hate it and dreaded working every shift. With my tax return coming, and promise of a raise, I decided that I put in my two week notice at Granite City. My last shift was Super Bowl Sunday.

My tax return had come in, so I figured that I could easily live off of that and my pay checks. I also researched the average pay for process managers/audit coordinators in the area I work in. You can imagine my surprise when I saw that I was making half of what I am supposed to be. Half. 50%. That is disgusting! I was excited that, in theory, I would get such a huge pay raise.

I did see a merit pay raise from last year which was .95 more an hour. They acted like they were doing me a favor.

This is where it all goes downhill. The first quarter of 2013 came, and it went. We never heard a word from HR regarding anything. They just left us in the dark. We noticed that no one received any raises. It was later discovered that some areas like Originations did get the pay level raise. Someone in my area spoke to HR about this and the HR rep actually admitted that they over promised on the raises. On top of that, my boss doesn’t think we should be getting paid more for what we do.

This is where life really gets hard. I went through my tax return. Now I only have my pay checks. Those are a joke. Financially, my life is a complete joke. I can’t afford anything outside of basic living. I can’t even afford school anymore.

I have sent out my resume everywhere, and I did have an interview at one place but I lost out to someone’s friend.

Needless to say I am beyond stressed out. I am so tired of living like this. I try to not stress out but it is so hard when it’s in my face every day. Stress has a really strange effect of me. When I am stressed not only does my skin break out, but I completely stop doing anything. My apartment becomes a complete mess because I don’t have it in me to pick up after myself. I stopped educating myself in music. I really love music and it is always on my mind, but when I am feeling run down by life I guess I just like lying there. It’s easier than trying to find the energy to get up and do something. Fortunately, I do still consistently go to the gym. Those workouts are a huge help. I’d probably be in a deep stage of depression without it and that is why I am keep that consistent.

I am really trying to fix this entire situation. If this means that I have to go back to working two jobs I will. I also pulled out my music stuff last night and am going to begin working on that again. I also got my writing pad and pen so that I can continue writing which is something I have always loved. I am doing what I can to seek new employment too. If that doesn’t work, I am also meeting with HR to discuss my shitty pay. Stressed or not, I can’t just stop living. I have to find an avenue to release all this inside me. I have to continuously move forward. I will propel myself forward. I have come to learn that any challenge is just that, a challenge. Something that needs to be overcame through hard work and never giving up. I will have the life that I want for myself. Nothing is going to stop me. Especially this forsaken company I am cuffed to by golden handcuffs.

No one is going to get the last damn word on me. I am going to walk away from all of these trials as a warrior.

Please know that I understand that there are so many people in the world who have much, much worse happening to them. I am aware of that and acknowledge that. But this is still what I am experiencing.

Thanks for listening!

“If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.”