God, Religion, and Spirituality

>This is a blog that I honestly have no idea what direction to go in. It may just sound like I am rambling or just talking to myself. I am taking a history class where we tend to discuss religion a lot. It has made me start questioning. I guess its time that I finally figure out a few things.

I have always been anti-religion and anti-God. Neurotic religious people have really killed it for me. They all pass judgement on people when they shouldn’t and try to make people feel inferior to them. There has been so much hate and blood spilled in God’s name that I have a hard time believing in a God that allowed that to happen. Even though I respect any reasonable person’s belief system, I’ve always argued against God and religion and the total mind fuck that it causes.
However, with that being said, I think a small part of me has always wanted to believe in something more. My history teacher made a good point recently. He said he feels bad for his friends because they don’t believe in anything. I think to not have any belief may not be a good thing.
Most people were born into a religion. You are what your parents are. There is also cultural religion. My family was a little different. My father’s side is Muslim and my mother’s side is Catholic. So religion was not something we really learned about growing up. In fact we saw some conflict between the two. When my father passed away was a prime example of Muslim vs Catholic. Even though my father was not a practicing Muslim, he was still Muslim. Part of the burial process includes being wrapped in a white sheet and being placed into the ground with no casket. My dad did tell my mom he never wanted to be buried that way. My mom being Catholic, that wasn’t going to happen anyway. My uncle’s (dad’s brother) father-in-law tried to get him wrapped in the white sheet and do the whole Islamic process. My mom was going to call the cops on him if he went near my father’s body. PS I totally love my mom! She is the best! She is a warrior!
So its easy to see how I how I do not have a belief system. But I think deep down inside I do believe in something. I don’t understand why because it doesn’t make logical sense. I know that the world was created naturally through the Big Bang and all that jazz. I also believe that we are here today thanks to evolution. I do not believe that “God” put us here. I don’t believe in the hocus pocus of the contradicting Bible either. There is no heaven or hell to me. I will be buried in the ground and rot away when I pass away.
So why do I still have this belief that something is out there when I know that it isn’t really possible. I am not even sure what it is I believe in. I don’t believe in God or Jesus (coming back from the dead…really?). Maybe I just want to believe because faith is proven to be good for you? I am not even sure what it is that I believe in. I do know that I don’t believe in the Biblical God or any variation of the religions attached to “Him.” So what do I believe in? An entity? An energy? A higher power?
I guess my problem is fighting all these conflicting beliefs in my head. I will just have to let it come to me rather than for me to just over-think things.

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