I Love Being Single

I have been single for about 9 years. It’s been an interesting near decade of ups and downs that I have tackled on my own. While social, I am naturally an introvert. That means that I have also spent a lot of time really getting to know myself.

During that time, I chose to stay single. I also met a lot of awesome friends and found my career path. In meeting new friends (or seeing old ones), I get asked the same questions all the time. “Why are you still single?” or “I never see you dating anyone.”  I know that it’s always out of a good place in their hearts and they want to see me happy. I really do appreciate the kinds thoughts and love. However, it’s that last part that irks me a bit. My response is usually a bit shocking to some people.

I love being single.

Yes, that is correct. Personally, I am so happy when it’s just me. Yeah sure, I have hung out with a couple of guys here and there, but only for short periods of time. The thought of starting something with someone doesn’t invoke positive or exciting emotions for me. I lean closer to dread and anxiety. People have a really hard time grasping the fact that not everyone wants to be with someone.

The purpose of this post is give visibility to two very large misconceptions about what it means to have a happy and fulfilling life:

1. Being in a relationship

2. Having children

For some people, being in a relationship, or with the “one”, is not an end game goal. For a lot other people, or the same people even, neither is having children. Some of us just don’t want that white picket fence life with 2.5 kids. Personally, I think it would be awesome to have kids, but as a gay man, I’ve prepared myself with the fact that will most likely not happen.

You do not need either one of those to be happy or feel fulfilled! I certainly don’t. I said I would love to have kids, but it isn’t the end of my life if I don’t. That doesn’t make me selfish or an asshole. It just means that my happy is different than other people’s happy. My happiness and fulfillment comes in the form of traveling and writing. It also comes from developing myself and my potential while become self-aware of who I am. It can be really frustrating when I open up to people that I am not interested in dating or relationships and they start giving me that shit of “Oh you just haven’t met him yet” or “You’ll meet him when you’re not looking”. That just takes away from my vision of happiness.

I am not looking because I don’t want it! That shit always makes me feel like people think I am one of those single people frustrated with dating and just “done” with everyone. I am not that. I am not frustrated with dating or relationships. I just don’t want them nor do I partake in them.

To dig a little deeper into who I am, I like the intensity and passion of meeting new people. It’s sustaining or working on that love the following days as a relationship is where I check out. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.  It just isn’t a fun idea to me. It’s dreadful. To those who know me, that really speaks to my adventurer personality. I also like to keep my time to myself.

I am not interested in getting to know someone on that deep of a level, and vice versa.  Some people probably consider me a high-functioning sociopath, but I am okay with that. When it comes to the sex, I do not need to be in a relationship for that. I can meet guys for casual sex (being a gay man has its perks) or just jerk off. I especially love having sex with someone when we are initially attracted to each other. That stage is the hottest. After that I get bored. I don’t like the routine of it all and I like being able to flirt and have crushes on whomever I want.

I want people to understand that I’m happy. I am so happy. I know what I like and what I don’t. This free-spirit life, not being attached to any one person or thing, is who I am. I am not looking for my “other half” because I am not a half. I am a full person. A happy person.

Look, I think relationships are great for people who want to be in them. I respect that a great deal (the good ones, anyway) and I really do hope that those who are on the hunt for love find what they are looking for.  It just isn’t my cup of tea. So please don’t force that shit down my throat. Let me just be.

I make myself happy. I fulfill my own life. I don’t need anything more than that. I’ve found that the greatest love of all comes from learning to love yourself. Actually, Whitney Houston found that. I just believe it.

A Curious Tale Of The Bi-Curious Gay

This is going to be an extremely personal blog. There is just no way around it. Feel free to close out of this post if my sexuality makes you uncomfortable.

I am writing this blog to share a deep and personal side of me. I was initially embarrassed and nervous to do so, then I realized I don’t really care at all.

I am a 30 year old gay man. I have been gay for as long as I can remember. It’s just something that has always been. I didn’t know what it was called though until second grade. I am sexually attracted to men. I have dated men, hooked up with men, and a combination of the both. I have never been with a woman, except for a few make out sessions.

I want to go on record and say that I have always supported all kinds of consenual relationships between adults. I believe sexuality is fluid and we should never trap ourselves under any label. I think as adults we should be able to freely have sex with anyone who want (who is a consenting adult). Gay, straight, bi, onesomes, twosomes, threesomes, orgies, S&M, are all beautiful to me. With that being said..

About a year ago something strange started happening to me. I began experiencing new changes as I mature into a man in his 30s. It is a new kind of puberty if you will. I was finding myself becoming sexually aroused at the idea of having sex with a woman. First it was just this underlying “ha-ha” joke to myself, but then it began to manifest itself into my dreams. I had a very erotic dream that ended with a woman performing oral sex on me. I woke up all kinds of turned on! It was so bizarre to me! I actually loved it. You could tell I loved it when I woke up lol.

Since then, it has been something growing inside of me. I find myself wanting to make out with women. Or instead of fantasizing about having sex with a man, I sometimes think about a woman instead. Just recently, my female neighbor came over to borrow my wine key and in my head I caught myself thinking “I wonder if she would suck my cock?” That is just one example. I have had many.

I am a man. And like any other man, I watch porn. Porn is awesome and healthy. People who judge porn are uptight and tied down by too many stigmas. It is a great release and use of the imagination. I don’t just watch gay porn though. I also watch porn involving women. I love watching a woman go down on a guy because I pretend I am that guy. I like watching a guy fuck a woman because I pretend that it is me. Honestly, I really want to know what it is like to “stick it in.”

Does that mean that I check out women’s breasts or asses and think how bad I want that. Not really. Do I have romantic feelings for a woman? No. But like everything else, things are subject to change. I think I am more stimulated by the idea of being the only cock in the bed though. There is something very sensual and stimulating about a male/female sexual dynamic. I think the idea of a new type of sex and sexuality is the core of my newfound bicurious nature.

As I stated earlier, I am all for sexuality. It is natural and beautiful. Now I have to learn to apply that same liberal attitude to myself. I only wish that women were as casual about sex as men were. It would make this much easier to explore.

This doesn’t change how I currently see myself. I don’t want people reading this and saying shit like “Welcome back to our team.” I am who I am. I am a 30 year old man who has no shame in exploring his maturing sexuality.

Anyone else want to share?