The Walls of My Lunacy

My life is like a bowl of Alpha-Bits cereal. All kinds of fun letters just mixed around and starting my day off. Most importantly are O.C.D, and possibly the new letters of A.D.H.D.

That is certainly a lot to choke on huh? My doctor told me a year or so ago that I have O.C.D and wanted me to talk to a therapist and getting on medication for it. I know that I probably should, but I don’t want to.  Sometimes O.C.D works out in my favor and I am afraid to lose out on it’s benefits. I have really good grades at school because I can’t not have good grade. However, it really does cause me more problems than solutions. So in an attempt to do something about it, I have really self reflected to see what the cause of my O.C.D is. There is always an underlying issue with this disorder. For me I realized, it is the irrational fear that if I break pattern in things that I am doing, something terrible will happen to my mother, brother or sisters. There have been times were I have been forced out of my patterns, and I stop and wait for the devastating phone call.

Another issue that I struggle with is my inability to throw things away. It is an emotional challenge for me to throw thing of importance out. I kept an entertainment system and 32 inch TV for years because my mom bought it (14 years ago). I didn’t even need it, not did I have space for it in my apartment. Those are just two of the many examples I have. I have cluttered my home on numerous occasional because of this disorder.

A great tool to help with this is my illogical impulsive behavior. As if the O.C.D was not enough, I have recently learned that I could possibly have A.D.H.D (which I am not self diagnosing, I plan on seeing someone for that). The symptoms certainly explained a lot of why I am the way I am. Either way, I have a huge impulse control problem. More times than not I end up just shooting myself in the foot. I go on this “binges” or “episodes” were I just can’t control myself and do things like spend money on things I shouldn’t or do things I shouldn’t. This impulse control also causes my dislike of a clutter (contradictory right? Welcome to my life) and causes me to go on weekend long sprees of cleaning, smashing, breaking, and ripping things apart in my apartment. Just two nights ago, I ripped apart the entertainment system I was talking about. A few months before that I had the same episodes where I ripped a sofa and love seat to pieces. I had a vision and nothing was going to stop me.

I recently came to realize that my cluttered/hoarding home is also my barrier from me and the outside world. My mess, my garbage, it’s all a subconscious way of keeping out people from my life. I never have people over. Ever. I honestly believe that this is what prevents me from getting into the dating world. Or rather, I prevent myself. Fortunately, once you admit your problem, you can begin healing and rebuilding.

Not that I have any dating prospects beating down on my door, but I think I am scared or nervous to start something new with someone. I was did that once and it fell apartment. I have long moved past that, but it is in the past, so it is easier to move on from what has already happened. The future is a little more open and I am not sure what the universe holds for me. I think as a precaution I have this messy home as my back up and bomb shelter. I can hide here and no one can get to me.

Luckily, I think I took steps in the right direction by completing cleaning and revamping my apartment. Now I am comfortable with perhaps letting someone in. Now maybe I won’t be stuck in this same place. I feel like a rock sometimes. I am not even living. I just exist. I exist in my madness. Well I can no longer live like that. I’ve started the journey, that’s really the hardest part.

Anyone else have O.C.D or A.D.H.D? How do you deal? Any stories you would like to share?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *