I have been single for the past 6 years. I’ve been so busy doing stuff for myself that it wasn’t a big deal. I wasn’t even worried about it or thinking about it. Until recently that is. For some reason, everyone has been reminding me that I am single lately.
Honestly, I’ve really been O.K. with being single. I never really thought it would be a permanent thing. After my break up with my ex, I just figured I was going through the “get to know yourself and grow” stage that usually comes with break ups. Only that stage took 6 years lol. A lot of great things happened though. I learned to become a stronger person. I learned what I wanted in life. I got into my awesome career of a Senior Training Consultant at Quicken Loans. I bought a house! I learned to budget and just be really independent. I’ve been hitting the gym to get into great shape. I worked through some of the bullshit in my own head. Once I did all of those things, my relationship status has become the next thing to focus on I suppose.
During that “growth” period I did meet a couple of guys that I liked. They never really panned out, but it was nice to know that I was able to put myself out there a little. I also learned that dating in the gay scene in Detroit is awful. There is no one out there. I do go out to the bars, but in reality you are less likely to meet someone at the bar than anywhere else. It is a stat I heard somewhere. Do I keep my eyes open when I go out? Of course I do!
I had always hoped that I would meet another gay Albanian guy to end up with. So the lack of gay scene in Detroit didn’t really bother me. However, meeting someone like me is nearly impossible thanks to our culture looking down on homosexuality. Gay Albanians just do not come out of the closet.
I had to admit to myself very recently that I can’t hold out for another Albanian guy to come along. I am fucking myself (literally and figuratively). However, between realizing that there is no one in the gay scene and there are no Albanian guys, I got hit with this huge wave of desperation. The feeling of “I am never going to meet anyone” hit me hard. I am 32 (almost 33). If I haven’t met anyone in the last 6 years, and I don’t meet anyone in the next 6 years, I’m fucked. I even caught myself contemplating guys’ advances that I am not even into.
In my desperation, I also found myself downloading Grindr, Scruff, Mister, OKCupid, and some other shitty apps. If you ever wanted to feel depressed, download those apps. Occasionally you “meet” someone cute, but they usually aren’t looking for what you are, or they aren’t interested, or you aren’t interested. I am also not very good at talking to guys “online.” I am an “in-person” kind of person. For a few minutes there, I was glued to my phone. Checking and waiting for messages from guys that may be interested in me. It didn’t really happen. The 40, 50, and even 60 year old single gay men looking for love or to fuck on those apps is a sad possibility of my future. I can’t be that. I won’t be that. I just uninstalled those apps.
Another challenge I discovered was myself. I am afraid that since I have been on my own for so long that I have become too independent. I do everything for myself. I am not even sure I would know how to knock back some of that independence if I met someone. I just do what I want when I want. I have the final say in everything related to me (unless it’s my mom lol). I think that is pretty hard to change. I would say this is the least of my concerns since I haven’t even met anyone to ponder how to change that.
The truth is I just may not end up with someone. The idea of true love and finding “the one” is nice, but it is a bit of a fairy tale. Not everyone ends up with someone. It just may not be in the stars for me. That is a crushing reality. Does that mean that I am going to just lay down and die over it? Not at all! I have started planning my life out to make it so adventurous and exciting! I want to take trips and try new things. I am going to make more friends and network so I am meeting my “socialization” quota as a human being.
I am not saying that it won’t happen, I am just saying that I need to prepare my life accordingly in case it doesn’t happen. I may not find love in someone else, but I can at least find love in myself.: